Turning the corner

Post partum depression is a soul killer.  Add to that a massive upheaval, relocation to a developing country, separation from one's spouse and life partner, a newborn baby and toddler to raise, , the end of a professional life, and the death of Michael Jackson, yes I said it, and you have the perfect storm of craziness.  Seriously.  This past year has been absolutely insane for me and I cannot believe that as astute as I usually am, I did not see the post partum rocking me to the core and tearing me, and nearly my family, to bits.  I say this now because, while I am afraid to utter anything out loud, I feel the toxicity in my body, the visceral aching of my depression subsiding.  Slowly. 

I noticed it first when we were in New York because I had the chance to feel myself in my old shoes again.  I felt calm.  I could not hear buzzing around my brain.  I was walking and breathing and letting myself feel again rather than closing up.  That is my modus operandi, to close off the feelings so as not to feel the pain.  But then I lose the sensation of joy and pleasure too.  It is coming back.  Slowly.  While in New York, I did see my therapist, a wonderful wise woman whom I believe not only cares about my well-being and wants to see me well, but actually loves me, easily, gently, and with so much grace I am often blown away that I could be so lovable to someone.  I needed that.  I also was given a prescription by a psychiatrist for an antidepressant, but as Virginie is still nursing, I have not started taking it.  I think just having it available to me has been reassuring.

When we arrived here, I was drawing negative people with real issues in their lives close to me, women in bad marriages, with cheating husbands, sadness and low esteem.  On top of everything else I was dealing with, my closest confidantes were suffering too and often choosing to do nothing about it.  I knew that Didier and I were weathering a storm we had certainly not prepared for, or ever expected, but we did still love one another.  We just could not get into a rhythm that worked for all of us, in part because I was mentally ill and in part because, honestly, he just hadn't a clue how to have a full time job and come home to another.  

I know there is a reason we are in Barbados, but what it is, I have not discovered yet.  I cannot say that I love it here and that it has all turned around in a day.  But I will say that I believe in reading the signs that we pass in life and in considering nothing as a coincidence.  I believe in the Laws of Attraction and that I can shape my future by my attitude and the truth in my heart.  And while I miss what I call home, for now Barbados really is my home and I have to get into this present  moment and live it.  Let go of what doesn't work and create friendships, relationships, and experiences that do.  My girls and my husband have been waiting for me to come back.

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