End of the year

So one week after breathing a sigh, however brief, in Florida, we are back in Barbados.  Didier's allergies have rendered him, quite literally speechless, Lily continues to vomit in the car ride to school, and Virginie is suffering from some gastrointestinal issue that is truly causing me more stress than it is her.  I am doing my best to prep us for the Christmas holiday, buying gifts for school teachers and assistants, for the gardening team, for the pool guy, for the garbage pick up men, for the cleaning lady and her crew, for our landlady and her husband, for Lily's friends and classmates, for Didier's team and Executive Committee, and eventually, for our actual families and close friends.  I have 21 days. 


We will, as last year, spend the holiday apart.  The girls and I will travel again to Florida, yes, for one million dollars (done with the Dr. Evil pinky ponder to the mouth), and Didier will stay to cook, serve, and entertain the spoiled guests at his hotel.  He will be so busy that on Christmas morning he will be on the beach at 6 am serving champagne to the hotel patrons while his wife and children open the gifts that Santa was so kind enough to leave with Grandma and Grandpa, in the living room of their home.  We will SKYPE him to send our love and well wishes some time in the afternoon and then spend a week with my parents.  In their home.  Where I will be 17 again.  Except this time with two children who are truly loved and adored when they are adorable but who need to go behind Door Number 2 when their childish personalities come out and they become "too much."  I am working on centering myself now so when I go left of center, I remember where the middle is and don't bug out of my face too much.  If we thought it were at all possible to stay and spend time together, we certainly would.  But Didier's job demands too much of his time and attention during busy season and the girls would mourn his absence every hour.


This time of year has always been tough for me.  I am a real melancholy baby, even though I am outwardly and quite truthfully at heart, very sunny.  I am the light and the dark and this time of year reminds me just how much so.  I love the time from Thanksgiving all the way to the new year.  There is resolution, hope, promise for the new year.  But there is also, the end.  A reminder of what has passed and what will no longer be.  I think in broad strokes at this time of year, so the minutiae gives way to the grander picture which is good.  It doesn't help that my birthday falls right after the new year when most people are getting back into routine and the joys of the holiday season give way to real life.

Real life.  At the end of the year means gifts, Christmas plays and shows and pageants, letters to Santa, a decorated tree at home, so Santa has a place to leave more gifts for the girls in Barbados and so that Papa will not feel left out of the spirit.  Real life also means, celebrating our anniversary with whispers and quick moments of holding hands and packing.  Real life means, carrying gifts bought in Florida and brought to Barbados over Thanksgiving, back to Florida because my brain was too tired to consider leaving them there.  Real life means a Christmas alone with the girls and my parents when they should have their father there to celebrate too.  Real life means turning 40 and then 41 at home with my parents.  Real life means coming back to Barbados in time to get Lily sent off to the next term of school while poor Didier continues to do all he can at an understaffed, under-managed hotel.

But it also means planning, dreaming, starting afresh in my heart and mind.  Because a new year brings with it the chance to do something completely different.  As the new year starts, I don't write resolutions, but I gain resolve and promise myself to achieve something I thought I couldn't.  I do it for myself and for the girls because as they see me do something they know I fear, it will give them the nerve to try it themselves one day.  And I do tell them that I am doing something I am a little afraid of.  I do share with them that it is scary, difficult, challenging, whatever it might be so that they don't think that I have some sort of superhuman strength.  So they can see that I am just a person too and that I am willing to try.

So Didier has taken his allergy meds, though he is still convinced he does not have allergies, and has improved immensely.  Lily has been given incentive not to throw up in the car by way of rewards for each time she doesn't, which will lead to a small price after five vomit-free morning car rides.  Virginie was given a probiotic and lots of coconut water and liquid and is back on her regular cycle.  And Mommy?  Well Mommy is trying to tackle that on-line shopping list and wrangle the gifts for all who do so much to support us in our lives here.  Mommy is grateful and Mommy is hopeful.  And she hopes that in her forty-first year, she will find a way to celebrate with her husband and two beautiful girls together in a place that restores peace and hope to our family.

(c) Copyright 2010.  City Mom in the Jungle.