Happy Anniversary

Two years ago, on an unbelievably rainy morning in New York City, Didier and I, who had secured a marriage license from City Hall one week earlier, trekked down to the Justice of the Peace and got married. We left Lily at home with a sitter, as far as she was concerned we were already married.   We'd asked a few friends to meet us, to bear witness, to show support, but we knew we'd celebrate in grander fashion a few weeks later at Didier's best friend's home.  I wore a ruffled silk shirt that Didier's mother, Paulette, had given me one Christmas and brown DKNY corduroy pants.  They were the only thing that fit me.  I was 5 months pregnant.  With our second child.


With our friend Dan, whom we both love more than we are even able to admit, we'd gone to the Diamond District and picked out our wedding bands, his a simple platinum, mine simple as well but with a few diamonds interspersed.  We'd forgone an engagement ring, joking that our commitment was pretty secure and that Lily, our first, served as our promise ring.  That was not really enough for my parents who could barely contain their frustration at my continuing to bear children without sealing the deal on paper.  It isn't that we weren't going to marry, but that there was no rush and he'd been married before. 


I am not sure why there was no  rush on my part.  He'd been previously married to a shrew and I think was relieved that I could take it or leave it.  I'd hoped to be his wife, but was not really interested in the show.  I'm an actress, so I love a good performance, but in matters of the heart and of the spirit, I am often timid to share my true feelings.  I couldn't see having lots of colleagues and family members, many of whom had never seen even a glimpse of my heart, come together to celebrate this moment with me and someone that I loved, at the time and now, fights over children and household chores not withstanding, more than anyone I had ever loved in my life up until that point (well, except for Lily).  I could hardly articulate it and was often brought to blustery tears as I tried to express my sense of "us" and what we would be to one another.  We were already a family with Lily and making it official at that time just suddenly made sense.


There were no traditional vows.  I did not say "for better or for worse, in sickness and in health."  There was no promise from anyone to obey the other as that certainly could not be fulfilled on any end.  But there was love and there was hope and living in New York City and having survived his miserable separation and divorce, we were sure we could weather any storm.  And then came Barbados.


With a new baby and two relocations--first to Florida, then to Barbados, we were off to a rocky start.  When I arrived and Didier was working ten to twelve hours a day while I stayed at home adjusting to the heat and cultural changes, slowly going mad, I questioned everything.  I imagine, if we are truthful, everyone has doubts about their ability to make sacrifices and changes and really make the commitment in marriage.  Unless, of course, they are on TV, and it is all pretty easy,  Maybe it is just me, but I had serious doubts.  Two small kids, one a newborn.  A busy husband.  A country I could not connect to and did not want to live in.  We'd only been married one year.  I haven't had the best of luck in relationships.  Maybe I really wasn't good at it.  I just couldn't see myself hanging on all "real, real housewife style."


But that, that is marriage.  And I did hang in there.  And I tried to open my heart and myself to the place that we were going to call home for two years.  And I stopped blaming him for making me come here.  The girls started to grow up and my postpartum depression, which took me down for the count pretty much every single day started to subside some time after the baby turned 15 months.  Neither of the girls want me to get any sleep still, but in general, things are looking up.  It's hard because I have often not been the greatest team player, having been alone for so long and liking solitude.  But I love my family.  This is the best team I ever imagined and while I complain about how they are trying to take me down daily, I could not trade them.  Any of them.

Today Didier and I spent a wonderful afternoon at the Colony Club on the West Coast having what I think is one of the best brunches on the island.  We held hands, drank a cocktail and shared a bottle of wine, while eating to our hearts' content.  Our dear landlady watched the girls.  Didier and I remembered what it was like when we stole glances, fed each other food and giggled at each others' jokes.  We felt like a team, like partners, like lovers, like we knew exactly why we got married. 

It was hot as hell yesterday, the actual date of our anniversary.  There was no frosty rain or wind to take us back to that moment.  But we sat together.  Didier.  Lily.  Virginie.  And I.  And we celebrated.


Happy Anniversary, my love.  Happy Anniversary, family.


(c)  Copyright 2010.  City Mom in the Jungle.