Consolation

Lily turned five today and in the middle of the chaos I wanted to be sure she had a wonderful day.  We started out with a full on playground session at a park that will be a stone's throw from our home when we finally do move in.  Both she and Virginie made a friend and in one touching moment, when Lily tried to climb some crazy nuts apparatus more advanced than anything I ever played on as a child, a young boy, maybe about seven or eight, took her hand to help her maneuver herself.  I nearly cried.  True, I have been on the verge, for the past few weeks now, but it was so lovely and so well received.  I don't think there is a parent out there who gives a damn, who doesn't worry/hope/pray that his/her child will find random acts of kindness to spur them on.  Right now especially, I look for the signs in every gesture, every touch, every wink, sigh, or gasp as my guilt for dragging these girls to six locations in six weeks is extreme.  After buying the birthday cake, candles, plates, napkins, cups and princess crowns for Lily and her side kick, we went home for a little lunch and a quick swim, one of the greatest gifts for Lily who was privileged enough to swim every day in Barbados.


Yesterday, on our quest for new furniture for the as yet unmoved into home, we spent six hours in IKEA.  Six hours!  I don't know if any two adults could handle that level of shopping, design, home furnishing intensity, but I do know that two little girls reach their breaking points at about the two hour mark.  And that is including a stop for lunch looking out the window watching airplanes land at Newark International Airport and a 1/2 trip to the Ballroom which is basically a huge ball pit for kids over a certain height to run around and get their cooped up-in a shopping cart-in a building with no clocks and no air, rage on.  Lily had a phenomenal time while Virginie played in the too-small-for-balls section across the aisle.  Didier took off for the bathrooms and to peruse the beds for a few minutes which expanded into a lost parent/partner trip to Customer Service followed by an intense stand off in the Express to Exit section.  The start of the breakdown began there.


Never have I shown Lily or Virginie the fear or the anger they saw in me that afternoon.  Lily, the eldest and really more sensitive of the two, was in tears.  I could almost not bear her face.  I'd been scared and upset and hurt but so wish I could take back that moment when she saw me walk away, even though I just went to catch my breath.  This tail end of our two year journey into ourselves just took its toll and I hope to God that it has strengthened and not broken us.


I wrapped Lily's birthday present, a Strawberry Shortcake Clubhouse with movable parts, and Virginie's consolation prize, Plum Pudding and Lemon Meringue getting ready for some kind of camping trip with fruity sleeping bags, at midnight in some Christmas paper I'd found in the home of a friend who's allowed us to stay in her home while she and her family are on vacation.  I didn't want her to feel the burden of this experience, to remember what I think is a momentous occasion, as a troubling time.  Yes, I have been slowly leaning towards having a mental breakdown, but it sure as hell was not going to happen on her birthday.  My cousin and two very good friends and their families came to join us for some pizza and cake tonight where Lily laughed and played, opened gifts and got to blow out candles shaped like stars and hearts and crowns and castles.  She called all of the friends who visited her "best friend" and told me that she had a wonderful time.  I did offer a tea party some time in September for her to get to know some of her new playmates in town as a kind of extended, expanded birthday and will definitely hold up my end of the deal if she'd like it.


This afternoon, sitting on a swing in the playground near the house we will soon call home, I thought, I really like this place.  Didier too felt we'd made a good choice after giving up on New York City and New York, further upstate.  Sometime here just feels right.  Watching Lily and Virginie running around together, going down the slide, sometimes stopping to hold hands or lead one another to unexplored parts of the park, I hoped that this, this change, this move, the dare could be a birthday gift of sorts to one of the girls who has my heart.  And that my heart, my unacknowledged broken heart, would heal here.  There are fences that need to be mended, promises that need to be kept, dreams that need to be followed.  It was a move we had to make as a family, to come back to us, to get back to the business of living and loving more easily.  Lily loves the house, the park, the playground.  She is optimistic.  I can see it in her face each morning.  I am hopeful, I want to say optimistic, but I am still unsure.

What I know for certain is that I love my family.  I love my girls and...my husband.  I do, I do, I do.  And our consolation prize is this beautiful, idyllic town, a chance to start new, a promise to seek out our dreams and not be trapped in mindless, heartless, soul-less work, no matter how many tell us "that's what adults do."  As Lily turned five, she made a wish and blew out her candles.  I would never tell her to wish for the middle, so how dare we tell ourselves.

Happy Birthday, dear Lily Frances Grace.  I will tell you every day to choose what's best for you, follow your heart and your instincts, your dreams.  To face your fears.  To never give in.   Watch Mommy and see what all that can do to you.


(c)  Copyright 2011.  City Mom in the Jungle.